Barney Stinson didn’t do New Year’s Resolutions. Resolutions were for nerds and losers who had no will and no determination. He couldn’t count the number of times he had listened to friends, family, and the bimbos he brought home agonize over their plans for the new year, only to see them give up on them barely a week later.
Instead, Barney made plans. Plans to make his life more awesome and more legendary than it was the year before. And this year was no exception. He’d been slowly hatching this plan for the last few weeks ever since Goliath National Bank had gotten sued for extortion and Marshall was doing insane amounts of legal leg work to prove the idiotic company’s innocence.
This was a plan that required an insatiable cock, manipulative fingers, silky words, and no shame. This was a plan that would need to be handled with delicate care, a challenge so great and so evil that only the greatest playboy in New York could ever hope to achieve it.
He plopped down onto the soft, red leather of the booth bench and draped his arm around Lily Aldrin’s shoulders, feeling the tickle of her soft hair against his skin.
“Lily Aldrin, I’m gonna teach you how to live.”
Lily narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips. “Yeah right, Barney. Like you could teach me something I don’t know already.”
“Now listen ‘cause I’m about to drop some first-grade knowledge. You are shackled, Lily, by the binds of holy matrimony. And those are not the shackles that should be locked on your wrist.” He leered at her and raised his hand, expecting her to give him a high five. “Up top!”
Lily exhaled sharply and tried not to think about bondage. Or Barney tying her up with the bright purple rope she had stashed in her closet at home. Those were not thoughts she was ever supposed to have.
She was with Marshall. She had been with Marshall almost her whole life. She loved Marshall. She loved sex with Marshall. She hadn’t gotten sex from Marshall since…she had lost track of the days. Three weeks? Four weeks? And it felt worse than the two month dry spell she had in San Francisco because Marshall was in the same damn town as her.
She was trying to deal with Marshall’s sudden attitude change as well as the stresses that had an unbelievable strong impact. The legal battle he was in had sucked him down like six tons of quicksand and he had been a lot more snippy and restless. Not only did they have him working 14 hour days, he was also putting in extra shifts on the weekend. And it seemed like when he was home, he’d spend hours playing video games with Ted instead of snuggling with her. She figured it had everything to do with the case so she had tried to do her wifely duty and not bug him about it. She had pretty much figured that Marshall would be able to close up the books soon and then, he would be back in her arms. But what was she supposed to do in the mean time?
“I’d rather not.”
Barney begrudgingly let his hand fall but he was not about to give up his quest to cross ‘hot, married chick’ off his list. Lily Aldrin was going to be at the receiving end of the trademark Barney Bang and he was finally going to get to live out his fantasy of fucking her into a sweet oblivion. He wanted a taste of the wildcat that he knew was growling inside her, instead of the sweet pussycat that spent her nights in Marshall’s bed. Really, it was like he was fixing the status quo.
“I’m serious, Lily. I was totally getting blown by this hot chick and last night and I had this thought.”
Lily arched her eyebrows and tilted her head. She couldn’t help but be jealous that Barney was getting sex and she was stuck in a dry spell.
“You’ve only had sex with one person and frankly, I can’t allow that.”
Lily’s mouth formed a small ‘o’ of surprise. Barney was thinking about her while he was having sex with someone else? “Barney, I’m not going to cheat on Marshall.”
“I’m not saying cheat, Lily. I’m saying experiment. Live. I know you’ve thought about getting in my pants so what’s stopping you? The last time you toured my house I didn’t even get to show you the toy collection.” He knew toys would be a clincher for her. They had once spent an hour talking about the mechanics of the love swing and had suggested positions to each other for future research.
Lily gulped and chewed on her bottom lip. Why was there suddenly a voice inside her brain convincing her that Barney’s offer was a good idea? Didn’t that make her a dirty tramp? She glanced down at the glass of vodka and cranberry and grabbed it, downing the remaining contents as quick as she could.
“On one condition…”
Barney feigned a look of surprise. His plan was going a lot smoother than he had expected. Maybe she had just been looking for some to open up the cage for the raging, horny slut inside of her. “Anything.”
“I get to be blindfolded and there will be no kissing on the lips,” Lily whispered, feeling her heart sink inside her chest. She hoped that if she couldn’t see what he was doing, that it wouldn’t feel like she was surrendering to the possible destruction of her relationship.
Barney nodded and his fingers worked the knot of his silk tie until he could slide off his neck. He gently placed the fabric over her eyes and Lily whimpered as his fingers brushed against the back of her neck.
He guided her to her feet and moved towards the door and the streets of New York where a taxi cab was already waiting for them.
In twenty minutes, the former Mrs. Stinson was back inside his bachelor pad, but this time, her cheeks burned with a crimson blush. Soon, the rest of her body would match.
“Do you want to…?” Barney asked, as he slowly started disrobing himself, taking extra care not to let his new Italian suit get wrinkled.
Lily didn’t even need him to finish the sentence as her fingers slowly manipulated the buttons on her blouse, exposing her taut muscles and creamy skin. Barney’s breath hitched at the sight of delicate red lace encasing her breasts. A wide grin split across Lily’s face as if she knew Barney approved of the goods. She reached behind her back and unhooked the bra. It was time to let those puppies breathe.
Then, her fingers slipped past the elastic waistband of her skirt and she pushed the material to the floor, letting it pool around her ankles, and revealing her freshly-shaven pubic mound. Barney stepped forward, closing the distance between them. His arm snaked around her waist and he pulled her towards him, letting her familiarize herself with the thick prick pressing against her legs.
His fingers brushed against her ass and he suddenly whipped her around and pushed her legs against the bed. If he was going to do this, he was going to make this easy for her. The sex she was about to have would be nothing like the kind she was used to. Lily wobbled slightly, catching her balance, before Barney knocked her off course again.
SMACK!
His palm made contact with her ass and Lily felt her body fall forward as she squealed from the jolt of pain. Her knees hit the mattress and her fingers dug into the soft bedspread. Barney was definitely not holding back and her body was eagerly responding to his ministrations.
SMACK!
Barney grinned, amused by the way her ass jiggled and by the glowing red handprint that had started to form on her delicate skin. His fingers slid between her folds and he was satisfied to find her slick and wet and waiting for him.
He stepped away from the bed and opened the closet door, finding his aforementioned toy collection and a black leather riding crop that had been left behind from a particularly dirty romp with a Double-D Dominatrix. He also pulled out a set of alligator nipple clamps and a black egg-shaped vibrator.
He tapped it lightly against her thigh and Lily tightened her grip on the sheets and chewed on her bottom lip. She wondered if he wanted her to count each stroke or beg for another or call him Master like the stars of BDSM porn always did but he didn’t. He just started tapping it against her ass, short, staccato strokes that bounced from cheek to cheek.
She could feel sticky fluids dripping down her thighs and she arched her back, ignoring the instinct to squirm away from the instrument of pain.
The crop slipped between her thighs and smacked against her clit, making her whole body jerk. It felt like bolts of electricity were coursing through her and she didn’t want it to stop.
“Barney,” Lily whimpered as the crop returned to her ass and started a harder assault, leaving small red welts in its wake and making her pussy twitch and clench as if it was trying to seek out a thick cock to satisfy its hunger. “I want you to…want you to fuck me.”
“You might want to find something to hold onto,” Barney said quietly, grabbing her hips and lining himself up with her entrance. With one hand, he reached for the condom wrapper laying on the corner of the bed, ripped open the foil with his teeth, and quickly slid it on.
Lily reached for his only pillow and pressed her face against it. She angled her hips to give him better access and she moaned in anticipation.
Barney slid inside of her and it was like the whole world melted away, her thoughts of Marshall had melted away. Right now, it was just the two of them, locked in primal contact with his balls slapping away against her dripping sex.
Barney dug his manicured nails into her skin as he fucked her, fucked Lily. Her breasts were swinging beneath her and he timed his thrusts to their rhythm. He considered pausing the action and putting on the nipple clips, just so he could see the way the metal chain contrasted against her skin but that could wait until later. Lily bucked against his pelvis like a bitch in heat and her pussy clenched around him, making his balls draw up and tighten.
“Fuck!” Barney groaned; unloading thick strands of white cum into the latex protective agent. Lily let out a sound that sounded a bit like a guttural purr and Barney moved his hand from her hip, grabbed the vibrator, flicked the knob, and snaked it around her thigh. Lily moaned and mewled as the vibrating tip came into contact with her clit and her pussy spasmed around Barney’s softening cock. Her orgasm felt like fucking fireworks show and she wondered if the rest of the world could hear the way her body exploded in ecstasy from Barney’s handiwork.
They both collapsed onto the mattress in a tangle of limbs, sweat glistening on their skin from the exertion.
Barney glanced at her, wondering what thoughts burned inside Lily’s eyes even though he knew that he would never get to see them.
Lily flipped onto her side and wrapped her arms around her chest. Reality had snapped back into place and she felt dirty. She was a dirty, filthy, cheating slut who had just had the best sex of her life. But she needed to go back to Marshall. That was where her place in this world was.
“I gotta go,” Lily said quickly, hopping out of the bed and immediately tripping over the edge of his bedroom rug. Thankfully, she managed to catch herself before she hit the floor.
“You’ve still got the…” Barney said softly, pointing at the tie wrapped around her head.
“Right,” Lily replied. Her fingers swiftly undid the knot and she gathered her clothes without giving a second glance to the bed and the man laying in it. “See ya later, Barney.”
He heard the door slam before he could even blink. It wasn’t like he cared about her leaving. In fact, he expected girls to leave. Counted on it, most of the time. So why couldn’t he ignore the twisting feeling in his stomach that he had just committed a worse felony than the CEO of Goliath National Bank?
But there wasn’t time for that kind of thought. Not only had he followed through on his plan, he had just nailed a super hot chick and that meant a glass of single-malt scotch and a high five from Robin.
It was the way his life was supposed to be. And nothing was going to change that.
Instead, Barney made plans. Plans to make his life more awesome and more legendary than it was the year before. And this year was no exception. He’d been slowly hatching this plan for the last few weeks ever since Goliath National Bank had gotten sued for extortion and Marshall was doing insane amounts of legal leg work to prove the idiotic company’s innocence.
This was a plan that required an insatiable cock, manipulative fingers, silky words, and no shame. This was a plan that would need to be handled with delicate care, a challenge so great and so evil that only the greatest playboy in New York could ever hope to achieve it.
He plopped down onto the soft, red leather of the booth bench and draped his arm around Lily Aldrin’s shoulders, feeling the tickle of her soft hair against his skin.
“Lily Aldrin, I’m gonna teach you how to live.”
Lily narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips. “Yeah right, Barney. Like you could teach me something I don’t know already.”
“Now listen ‘cause I’m about to drop some first-grade knowledge. You are shackled, Lily, by the binds of holy matrimony. And those are not the shackles that should be locked on your wrist.” He leered at her and raised his hand, expecting her to give him a high five. “Up top!”
Lily exhaled sharply and tried not to think about bondage. Or Barney tying her up with the bright purple rope she had stashed in her closet at home. Those were not thoughts she was ever supposed to have.
She was with Marshall. She had been with Marshall almost her whole life. She loved Marshall. She loved sex with Marshall. She hadn’t gotten sex from Marshall since…she had lost track of the days. Three weeks? Four weeks? And it felt worse than the two month dry spell she had in San Francisco because Marshall was in the same damn town as her.
She was trying to deal with Marshall’s sudden attitude change as well as the stresses that had an unbelievable strong impact. The legal battle he was in had sucked him down like six tons of quicksand and he had been a lot more snippy and restless. Not only did they have him working 14 hour days, he was also putting in extra shifts on the weekend. And it seemed like when he was home, he’d spend hours playing video games with Ted instead of snuggling with her. She figured it had everything to do with the case so she had tried to do her wifely duty and not bug him about it. She had pretty much figured that Marshall would be able to close up the books soon and then, he would be back in her arms. But what was she supposed to do in the mean time?
“I’d rather not.”
Barney begrudgingly let his hand fall but he was not about to give up his quest to cross ‘hot, married chick’ off his list. Lily Aldrin was going to be at the receiving end of the trademark Barney Bang and he was finally going to get to live out his fantasy of fucking her into a sweet oblivion. He wanted a taste of the wildcat that he knew was growling inside her, instead of the sweet pussycat that spent her nights in Marshall’s bed. Really, it was like he was fixing the status quo.
“I’m serious, Lily. I was totally getting blown by this hot chick and last night and I had this thought.”
Lily arched her eyebrows and tilted her head. She couldn’t help but be jealous that Barney was getting sex and she was stuck in a dry spell.
“You’ve only had sex with one person and frankly, I can’t allow that.”
Lily’s mouth formed a small ‘o’ of surprise. Barney was thinking about her while he was having sex with someone else? “Barney, I’m not going to cheat on Marshall.”
“I’m not saying cheat, Lily. I’m saying experiment. Live. I know you’ve thought about getting in my pants so what’s stopping you? The last time you toured my house I didn’t even get to show you the toy collection.” He knew toys would be a clincher for her. They had once spent an hour talking about the mechanics of the love swing and had suggested positions to each other for future research.
Lily gulped and chewed on her bottom lip. Why was there suddenly a voice inside her brain convincing her that Barney’s offer was a good idea? Didn’t that make her a dirty tramp? She glanced down at the glass of vodka and cranberry and grabbed it, downing the remaining contents as quick as she could.
“On one condition…”
Barney feigned a look of surprise. His plan was going a lot smoother than he had expected. Maybe she had just been looking for some to open up the cage for the raging, horny slut inside of her. “Anything.”
“I get to be blindfolded and there will be no kissing on the lips,” Lily whispered, feeling her heart sink inside her chest. She hoped that if she couldn’t see what he was doing, that it wouldn’t feel like she was surrendering to the possible destruction of her relationship.
Barney nodded and his fingers worked the knot of his silk tie until he could slide off his neck. He gently placed the fabric over her eyes and Lily whimpered as his fingers brushed against the back of her neck.
He guided her to her feet and moved towards the door and the streets of New York where a taxi cab was already waiting for them.
In twenty minutes, the former Mrs. Stinson was back inside his bachelor pad, but this time, her cheeks burned with a crimson blush. Soon, the rest of her body would match.
“Do you want to…?” Barney asked, as he slowly started disrobing himself, taking extra care not to let his new Italian suit get wrinkled.
Lily didn’t even need him to finish the sentence as her fingers slowly manipulated the buttons on her blouse, exposing her taut muscles and creamy skin. Barney’s breath hitched at the sight of delicate red lace encasing her breasts. A wide grin split across Lily’s face as if she knew Barney approved of the goods. She reached behind her back and unhooked the bra. It was time to let those puppies breathe.
Then, her fingers slipped past the elastic waistband of her skirt and she pushed the material to the floor, letting it pool around her ankles, and revealing her freshly-shaven pubic mound. Barney stepped forward, closing the distance between them. His arm snaked around her waist and he pulled her towards him, letting her familiarize herself with the thick prick pressing against her legs.
His fingers brushed against her ass and he suddenly whipped her around and pushed her legs against the bed. If he was going to do this, he was going to make this easy for her. The sex she was about to have would be nothing like the kind she was used to. Lily wobbled slightly, catching her balance, before Barney knocked her off course again.
SMACK!
His palm made contact with her ass and Lily felt her body fall forward as she squealed from the jolt of pain. Her knees hit the mattress and her fingers dug into the soft bedspread. Barney was definitely not holding back and her body was eagerly responding to his ministrations.
SMACK!
Barney grinned, amused by the way her ass jiggled and by the glowing red handprint that had started to form on her delicate skin. His fingers slid between her folds and he was satisfied to find her slick and wet and waiting for him.
He stepped away from the bed and opened the closet door, finding his aforementioned toy collection and a black leather riding crop that had been left behind from a particularly dirty romp with a Double-D Dominatrix. He also pulled out a set of alligator nipple clamps and a black egg-shaped vibrator.
He tapped it lightly against her thigh and Lily tightened her grip on the sheets and chewed on her bottom lip. She wondered if he wanted her to count each stroke or beg for another or call him Master like the stars of BDSM porn always did but he didn’t. He just started tapping it against her ass, short, staccato strokes that bounced from cheek to cheek.
She could feel sticky fluids dripping down her thighs and she arched her back, ignoring the instinct to squirm away from the instrument of pain.
The crop slipped between her thighs and smacked against her clit, making her whole body jerk. It felt like bolts of electricity were coursing through her and she didn’t want it to stop.
“Barney,” Lily whimpered as the crop returned to her ass and started a harder assault, leaving small red welts in its wake and making her pussy twitch and clench as if it was trying to seek out a thick cock to satisfy its hunger. “I want you to…want you to fuck me.”
“You might want to find something to hold onto,” Barney said quietly, grabbing her hips and lining himself up with her entrance. With one hand, he reached for the condom wrapper laying on the corner of the bed, ripped open the foil with his teeth, and quickly slid it on.
Lily reached for his only pillow and pressed her face against it. She angled her hips to give him better access and she moaned in anticipation.
Barney slid inside of her and it was like the whole world melted away, her thoughts of Marshall had melted away. Right now, it was just the two of them, locked in primal contact with his balls slapping away against her dripping sex.
Barney dug his manicured nails into her skin as he fucked her, fucked Lily. Her breasts were swinging beneath her and he timed his thrusts to their rhythm. He considered pausing the action and putting on the nipple clips, just so he could see the way the metal chain contrasted against her skin but that could wait until later. Lily bucked against his pelvis like a bitch in heat and her pussy clenched around him, making his balls draw up and tighten.
“Fuck!” Barney groaned; unloading thick strands of white cum into the latex protective agent. Lily let out a sound that sounded a bit like a guttural purr and Barney moved his hand from her hip, grabbed the vibrator, flicked the knob, and snaked it around her thigh. Lily moaned and mewled as the vibrating tip came into contact with her clit and her pussy spasmed around Barney’s softening cock. Her orgasm felt like fucking fireworks show and she wondered if the rest of the world could hear the way her body exploded in ecstasy from Barney’s handiwork.
They both collapsed onto the mattress in a tangle of limbs, sweat glistening on their skin from the exertion.
Barney glanced at her, wondering what thoughts burned inside Lily’s eyes even though he knew that he would never get to see them.
Lily flipped onto her side and wrapped her arms around her chest. Reality had snapped back into place and she felt dirty. She was a dirty, filthy, cheating slut who had just had the best sex of her life. But she needed to go back to Marshall. That was where her place in this world was.
“I gotta go,” Lily said quickly, hopping out of the bed and immediately tripping over the edge of his bedroom rug. Thankfully, she managed to catch herself before she hit the floor.
“You’ve still got the…” Barney said softly, pointing at the tie wrapped around her head.
“Right,” Lily replied. Her fingers swiftly undid the knot and she gathered her clothes without giving a second glance to the bed and the man laying in it. “See ya later, Barney.”
He heard the door slam before he could even blink. It wasn’t like he cared about her leaving. In fact, he expected girls to leave. Counted on it, most of the time. So why couldn’t he ignore the twisting feeling in his stomach that he had just committed a worse felony than the CEO of Goliath National Bank?
But there wasn’t time for that kind of thought. Not only had he followed through on his plan, he had just nailed a super hot chick and that meant a glass of single-malt scotch and a high five from Robin.
It was the way his life was supposed to be. And nothing was going to change that.
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